Machine Pt. II

Hey!

how are you ?

hows ya weekend been so far ?

I came across your profile and would be interested in knowing more about you .Please

have a look at my profile and let me know if you would like to liaise further .

by the way i like ur hair style

is that your hair colour real ?

Looking forward to hearing from u soon

thnx

best regards

sent by phone

Oh Phone, it's you again! Wow, didn't think I'd ever say this but I was actually starting to miss you - these real boys are nowhere near as entertaining!

Have you updated your software or something? I think there may be some bugs in your system - you can no longer capitalise the first letter of a sentence (something that machines automatically do for us lazy human beings these days).

If it wasn't for those three ridiculous sign offs you would have had me fooled - asking about my natural hair colour? That was a stroke of genius! They never would have caught you in Blade Runner...

Not interested in liaising any further,

This Girl

Slippery

"*Ignores wet floor sign, slips into your inbox* Well hello!x"

Oh dear. 

I get the feeling that if I ever spent more than five minutes in your company, I would want to chew off my own arm. This kind of 'humour' is nauseating - as soon as I read this I actually cringed for you. I can't even begin to comprehend how embarrassing it must have been for you to write!

Hopefully this isn't the kind of thing a 22 year old man spends time thinking up by himself, so ai'm going to assume fort your sake that you heard it elsewhere? Well if it was on TV, demand your licence fee back; at some kind of live show, get a refund for your ticket; from a mate, declare the friendship over - this is some sick joke that's been played on you!

I'm nearly considering dating you out of pity... Nearly...

This Girl

Cheese

"i already rated you 5/5 stars and i looked for more than five stars , unfortunately there isn't
but you deserve 100 stars , maybe more ,maybe all the shining stars in the sky
;-) :-D"


Alright Romeo,

That's way too much cheese for any girl to take! I hope you haven't laid it on this thick with everyone? Maybe this is the reason you've decided online dating is the way to go - all the girls back home must be tired of this sort of chat...

Hold on, speaking of back home - you're from Tunisia? In what possible reality do you think there could ever be any kind of relationship between us?! Even the guys just looking for hook-ups stay local! This suggests to me that you've even tried all the neighbouring countries, with no luck. Surely that proved this kind of line DOESN'T WORK?!

Think about it.
This Girl

Swayze

"Hey! You look like an intelligent and classy bird! I'm fit, strong, handsome and looking for a bird like you to shag. I don't charge teehee xoxox


Message me back 4 the time of ur life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


Wow Mr Modest, those sure are a lot of exclamation marks(!) 

As you cleverly identified, I am an 'intelligent and classy bird'. Therefore, I think you know full well what's coming your way right now...

Please carry out your search for a 'bird like me' elsewhere.

Apart from your horrific use of Xs and Os (Are you Gossip Girl?), I can clearly see in your profile pictures that you are definitely not handsome, which also makes you a liar. Luckily in most of them you've hidden your face with your phone while taking selfies in the mirror. 

If you are going to take photos of yourself in your bedroom, at least make your bed - it makes you look like a tramp! Were you waiting for your mummy to come and do it? Maybe she was too busy doing your washing, seeing as the only clean clothes you seem to have are a single pair of grey jogging bottoms (not wearing a top I see - I've mentioned that this is my pet peeve).

I think there are definitely a few improvements to be made before you'll convince any other 'classy birds' to come near you. Time to get a life coach!

This Girl

Short

"nice boobs :)"



Same to you mate - I can see yours through your tank top that's way too small. Oh sorry, you thought it made you look 'hench' and muscly? Nope! Just makes you look fat.

At least I'm meant to have boobs...
This Girl

Reality

"You know a real girl like you needs a real man to make her feel like the woman she is, text me lets have coffee sometime 07********* x"


Dear Real Man,

Thanks for acknowledging that I'm a real girl - a lot of men do tend to forget that girls on dating websites actually exist, and aren't just an email address to which they can send pictures of their dongs. That being said, I'm also certain 'real girls' know better than to fall for this BS you're feeding me.

It's interesting that I've graduated from a real girl to a woman in just one sentence... Or are you implying that once I get a piece of your 'real man' action then I'll blossom from a real-girl-caterpillar into  the kind of beautiful woman-butterfly you want to take out for coffee? I'm pretty sure real men know better than to hand their phone number out all over the internet too.

Another thing real men don't do is go for photoshoots on their own, as I can see from your profile pictures. I'm not talking about a professional model photoshoot; I'm talking about the one you've been on - the ones touted around by some girl wearing a tight top in a shopping centre, which you paid £50 for. The ones only visited by groups of 18-year-old girls about to go on their first sans-parents holiday who want to "remember these days 4eva!!!!!"

REAL bored of you,
This Girl

Admin

Hello, 

I deeply regret that it is my unfortunate duty to bring it to your attention that you are above and beyond our maximum standards for looks. 
You are clearly a 9/10 and here on OKCupid we only allow 6/10 maximum. 
Your account will be CLOSED unless you reply to this message with your name, phone number, your favourite flower, how many Doritos you can fit in your mouth at once (just curious) and if you prefer Chinese or Italian cuisine. 
This is very serious business and I would advise you to not take my message lightly or you might anger my boss Cupid, the lord of love. 

Thanks.


Hello Fake Admin,

Just to save you the embarrassment, I'm going to pretend that you didn't describe yourself as Cupid's sidekick/automated banking security, and carry on as normal.

Do you realise this is a very strange collection of facts to ask for? As much as I loved your thinly-veiled attempt to find out how big my mouth is, you could have tried to ask a more relevant set of questions as filler. For instance, rather than asking for my favourite flower, you could have asked if this kind of approach is ever likely to work with me. Although I think you probably already know the answer to that...

Are there any girls who actually replied to this? I feel the only ones who would are simply dumb enough to think this is a real admin message, rather than appreciating your genius. Good luck with getting further 'security information' out of those girls!

And finally, ONLY A 9/10?! You try this hard to flatter me and don't even go for the full 10? Crap, maybe you are a real admin...

This Girl

Check

"Hey how are you? 
I love burger abs lobster! It is definitely my favourite restaurant in London! Always go for the lobster though right? :-) I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu. 
Would you risk it for a chocolate biscuit?"



Hey there you!

This is just a quick note to congratulate you on following all the rules of a first message. Honestly mate, you should be really proud that you can read through a checklist...

Step 1. Ask her how she is. This will make her think you're emotionally sensitive and in-tune with her needs.

Step 2. Let her know you're interested in things she's also interested in. If her profile photo features her eating lobster in a bib, make a passing comment about the restaurant. Bonus points for asking a follow-up question.

Step 3. Make her laugh. Not with your personality, silly! Try telling a joke, possibly involving animals. Girls love animals.

Step 4. End with a quote/question. She will find this so irresistibly mysterious that you'll definitely find a message from her in your inbox tomorrow morning!

Step 5. Enjoy sifting through the piles of replies you receive! Have a great time humping and dumping, like the King of Ladies' Men that you are. Happy Hunting!

You've nailed it, fella! I should be asking you what time and where you want us to meet up (at your earliest convenience, obviously), but I realise I'm just one in a hundred girls who are definitely lining up to date you, and you'll never notice little old me. I should just give up, right?

Off to try some of those tasty-sounding 'burger abs' instead.

This Girl

Wasp

How's u hun? Just wondering if you'd be interested in some no stings fun? Do you live near west?

Dear Westerner,

This is probably one of the worst messages I've ever received. I'm assuming you've sent this to at least 100 other girls who came up as living in the London area? You could have at least spellchecked it first!

'No stings' isn't something one would usually need to specify when messaging someone for an intimate encounter... unless that person is used to dressing up as a bee or a scorpion in some crazy bedroom role-play? In which case, my answer is even more of a no than before!

However, I like that you've made this message applicable to women all over the world. Sure, you won't be getting many replies from women in Hong Kong or Thailand, but you've covered most of the globe with your only specification of living 'near west'.

BUZZ OFF!

This Girl

CV

You have such a pretty face and are exquisitely beautiful. I find my self utterly attracted to you. Your delightful picture has caught my eyes! I really like that you have a lovely skin and smile. Face, hair, and body such an abundant garden of beauty! Dnt get shy send me your BBM or txt me so we can chat 07--------- xx

Dear Observant,

Thank you for noticing I have a face, hair and body. Men these days rarely take the time to appreciate women with bodies and faces (and a skin?), so that's very refreshing! But I guess my 'abundant garden of beauty' distracted you from reading my profile? Especially the part where I state I have no interest in hearing from men who've taken 'selfies' of their abs in the mirror.

However, for the sake of true love I'll forgive that small oversight and check out your profile, or should I say CV? I'm good at Cooking, Debates, Being Organised, Communication... The only thing that makes me think this hasn't been lifted straight from a job application are the six separate mentions of how good you are at sex and that you can't live without it. The only thing that makes me cringe more is when you boast about owning over 400 films on VHS.

I'm going to assume they're all porn.

This Girl

Tatu

just likstening to tatu all about us. its reminding me of being young and revising to my gcses, a strangely pleasant memory

Dear OH HELL NO,

You sure know the way to a girl's heart! There's nothing I love more than remembering exams, apart from Russian lesbian bands of course!

Speaking of TATU - as far as I remember they only had one hit song in the UK, but that's not the one you named. This leads me to the conclusion that you actually bought their album and listened to it on a regular basis. In fact, you STILL listen to it on a regular basis... What kind of person are you?!

To answer this question I felt I should read through your profile. I like that you've listed 10 facts at the beginning as a way to ease the reader in, although I'm sure you could have come up with something more interesting than "Education is an investment in your earning potential". Some facts about yourself perhaps? I'm pretty sure that's what this space was meant to be filled with... 
Oh wait, you do finally start to list some facts about yourself halfway down the page: "I'm single; I'm not gay; I have a job". These are some solid foundations to build a relationship on! However, I must admit I start to freak out when you write a whole paragraph about your ex-girlfriend who broke up with you on Valentine's Day, ending with the link to her online dating profile. I don't want to use the word stalker, but I'm starting to feel it's appropriate.

The grand finale to your train-wreck of a profile has to be your answer to What things couldn't you live without? - "Girls with low self-esteem".

I don't even know where to begin with that one; I just pray the whole thing's a joke. Although, if you actually are a 27 year-old man who makes joke dating profiles, you're definitely very single and very alone.

Ta-ta!
This Girl

Waddle

"Fat penguin"

Dear Emo Fringe,

Since the dawn of the Internet, every girl with a dating profile has feared for the day she is to become the recipient of the two words I have here in my inbox. Not only do they conjure up the heart-breaking image of an obese bird waddling around behind a glass pane at the zoo (a place where, with this level of originality, I assume you want to take me on our first date?), but they are followed by one of the most cringeworthy lines a girl will ever hear in her lifetime:

"I needed something to break the ice."

How long did it take you to decide that this was the perfect line to woo me with? Based on the amount of effort you've put into your profile I'd say a maximum of 10 seconds. That's pretty insulting; it's almost as if you don't understand the concept of an icebreaker. Let me help you out...

ice·break·er  

/ˈīsˌbrākər/

Noun A ship designed for breaking a channel through ice. A thing that serves to relieve tension between people, or start a conversation. Now let's think about that second definition in a bit more detail. What these two words have achieved is actually the opposite of an icebreaker's purpose: You've managed to create tension between us which previously did not exist - I can now feel the bile rising in my throat. And by forcing me to endure one of the laziest pick-up lines I've ever heard, you have killed off any chance you ever had of starting a conversation with me. I think you'd have been better off using that giant ship, This Girl

Jobs

"Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?"

Dear Unemployed,

I'm a Market Analyst - I analyse past trends to try and predict future behaviour. For example, I can tell you that based on the success rate of this opening line, you're going to have absolutely no luck with me.

100% sure,

This Girl