Waddle

"Fat penguin"

Dear Emo Fringe,

Since the dawn of the Internet, every girl with a dating profile has feared for the day she is to become the recipient of the two words I have here in my inbox. Not only do they conjure up the heart-breaking image of an obese bird waddling around behind a glass pane at the zoo (a place where, with this level of originality, I assume you want to take me on our first date?), but they are followed by one of the most cringeworthy lines a girl will ever hear in her lifetime:

"I needed something to break the ice."

How long did it take you to decide that this was the perfect line to woo me with? Based on the amount of effort you've put into your profile I'd say a maximum of 10 seconds. That's pretty insulting; it's almost as if you don't understand the concept of an icebreaker. Let me help you out...

ice·break·er  

/ˈīsˌbrākər/

Noun A ship designed for breaking a channel through ice. A thing that serves to relieve tension between people, or start a conversation. Now let's think about that second definition in a bit more detail. What these two words have achieved is actually the opposite of an icebreaker's purpose: You've managed to create tension between us which previously did not exist - I can now feel the bile rising in my throat. And by forcing me to endure one of the laziest pick-up lines I've ever heard, you have killed off any chance you ever had of starting a conversation with me. I think you'd have been better off using that giant ship, This Girl