Mr K

"Hiiii! How do? How was Thursday for you?

Thought you looked rather gorgeous, and don't have too much of the weirdo look about you.. ;) so i thought i'd say hey! Where abouts you from? (Name) x"

Well good day to you sir,

May I say how pleased I am that you've deemed me decent-looking and not too much of a weirdo. I would say the same goes for you, but I'm more preoccupied with how familiar you look - I'm pretty sure we went to uni together. In fact, I'm 100% sure we did...

You obviously don't remember me, so please allow me to refresh your memory. On my 21st birthday, a couple of my good friends came to visit me at uni, and we went for a night out to a nearby 'posh' bar. I was absolutely delighted when a bottle of prosecco with a sparkler in it appeared; a nice little surprise my friends had arranged for me. All was well.

Now our uni was pretty small, making it easy to recognise other students - even if they're from a different year group, so as you stumbled over to our booth (presumably attracted by the pretty sparkling light) I vaguely recognised you. You said happy birthday and attempted to chat up my friend, but she wasn't really interested, so you slithered away and we carried on with the rest of our night. Surely that was the end of it? No. Apparently you don't give up that easily. 

As our night drew to a close you decided to take another swoop at my friend. After a lot more alcohol she was far more susceptible to your advances (good for you, pal!), and you managed to persuade her to take you home. To my house. Obviously I don't know the details of what happened once you two got upstairs, but my friend was in a real hurry to leave the next morning, and I had to go to work, leaving you with my other friend who had been out with us. After about an hour of trying to get you to leave as she had a train to catch, you finally got up and re-dressed, and the two of you got on the bus back into the centre of town. You must have been a little bit more awake by this point, as you then proceeded to try and chat up my other mate on the journey. Unfortunately there was no alcohol available this time, so you weren't quite able to 'seal the deal'. But hey, I'm sure when you went home you told your mates you banged both of them, right? No problem - your ego stays in tact; my friend leaves without the stench of regret hanging over her; life goes on.

And now here you are, oblivious to the fact that you were the underwhelming ending to a significant milestone night.

So let's take a look at your profile - maybe you've changed; maybe you don't need to hang around attaxi ranks  at 3am anymore... maybe you could be the man I'm looking for?

"I'll find any chance to wind someone up. My favourite wind-up was one played on my former housemate who was eagerly waiting results from a STI check. Using my work phone I text him with some concerning news in a very convincing format which completely ruined his whole weekend"

Oh wow. You're a real keeper aren't you! Didn't anyone tell you you catch more flies with honey than fake STI results? Never mind, I'll persevere - that's what you would do right? Never give up...

"I'd love to pretend that I'd take you to the zoo or the aquarium and enjoy the perfect day together, but in reality it's going to be a quick after-work drink somewhere with plenty of windows to allow for discrete exits"

Really? This is what I trawled through 6 paragraphs, plus a ridiculous list of likes/dislikes for? Just a hint: you should probably list some likes as well as dislikes, otherwise you come off as a bit of a tosser... Even more so than in the other 6 paragraphs...

And so, Mr K, I will not be going out with you. Ever. I could never date a man who loves his job in Digital Marketing and hates the word brunch.

H.O.T.T.O.G.O. (naaaaaaaaaaaat!)

This Girl

Machine Pt. II

Hey!

how are you ?

hows ya weekend been so far ?

I came across your profile and would be interested in knowing more about you .Please

have a look at my profile and let me know if you would like to liaise further .

by the way i like ur hair style

is that your hair colour real ?

Looking forward to hearing from u soon

thnx

best regards

sent by phone

Oh Phone, it's you again! Wow, didn't think I'd ever say this but I was actually starting to miss you - these real boys are nowhere near as entertaining!

Have you updated your software or something? I think there may be some bugs in your system - you can no longer capitalise the first letter of a sentence (something that machines automatically do for us lazy human beings these days).

If it wasn't for those three ridiculous sign offs you would have had me fooled - asking about my natural hair colour? That was a stroke of genius! They never would have caught you in Blade Runner...

Not interested in liaising any further,

This Girl

Slippery

"*Ignores wet floor sign, slips into your inbox* Well hello!x"

Oh dear. 

I get the feeling that if I ever spent more than five minutes in your company, I would want to chew off my own arm. This kind of 'humour' is nauseating - as soon as I read this I actually cringed for you. I can't even begin to comprehend how embarrassing it must have been for you to write!

Hopefully this isn't the kind of thing a 22 year old man spends time thinking up by himself, so ai'm going to assume fort your sake that you heard it elsewhere? Well if it was on TV, demand your licence fee back; at some kind of live show, get a refund for your ticket; from a mate, declare the friendship over - this is some sick joke that's been played on you!

I'm nearly considering dating you out of pity... Nearly...

This Girl

Swayze

"Hey! You look like an intelligent and classy bird! I'm fit, strong, handsome and looking for a bird like you to shag. I don't charge teehee xoxox


Message me back 4 the time of ur life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


Wow Mr Modest, those sure are a lot of exclamation marks(!) 

As you cleverly identified, I am an 'intelligent and classy bird'. Therefore, I think you know full well what's coming your way right now...

Please carry out your search for a 'bird like me' elsewhere.

Apart from your horrific use of Xs and Os (Are you Gossip Girl?), I can clearly see in your profile pictures that you are definitely not handsome, which also makes you a liar. Luckily in most of them you've hidden your face with your phone while taking selfies in the mirror. 

If you are going to take photos of yourself in your bedroom, at least make your bed - it makes you look like a tramp! Were you waiting for your mummy to come and do it? Maybe she was too busy doing your washing, seeing as the only clean clothes you seem to have are a single pair of grey jogging bottoms (not wearing a top I see - I've mentioned that this is my pet peeve).

I think there are definitely a few improvements to be made before you'll convince any other 'classy birds' to come near you. Time to get a life coach!

This Girl

Weight

"hi. are u interested in losing few pounds ? If your answer is yes..let me know..I can help you with some casual sex..xx"

Hey there Mr Unattractively-Thin,

I must say, I'm surprised to get a message like this on a dating website...

Most people manage to find casual sex out in the real world, but from the looks of your profile picture I guess your appearance must be a bit of a barrier for you? I assume this is why online communication probably appealed to you - a chance to show off your personality, so people can get to know the real you before judging you by your appearance.

Unfortunately sending out this message will only exacerbate your problem, as your unsavoury personality isn't enticing either. How anyone could think a message like this would yield any kind of result is actually beyond me.

Go drink a protein shake, you twig.

This Girl

*********************************************
UPDATE: The twig deleted his profile after a week. Definitely needs to improve the marketing around such an attractive offer...

Wasp

How's u hun? Just wondering if you'd be interested in some no stings fun? Do you live near west?

Dear Westerner,

This is probably one of the worst messages I've ever received. I'm assuming you've sent this to at least 100 other girls who came up as living in the London area? You could have at least spellchecked it first!

'No stings' isn't something one would usually need to specify when messaging someone for an intimate encounter... unless that person is used to dressing up as a bee or a scorpion in some crazy bedroom role-play? In which case, my answer is even more of a no than before!

However, I like that you've made this message applicable to women all over the world. Sure, you won't be getting many replies from women in Hong Kong or Thailand, but you've covered most of the globe with your only specification of living 'near west'.

BUZZ OFF!

This Girl

CV

You have such a pretty face and are exquisitely beautiful. I find my self utterly attracted to you. Your delightful picture has caught my eyes! I really like that you have a lovely skin and smile. Face, hair, and body such an abundant garden of beauty! Dnt get shy send me your BBM or txt me so we can chat 07--------- xx

Dear Observant,

Thank you for noticing I have a face, hair and body. Men these days rarely take the time to appreciate women with bodies and faces (and a skin?), so that's very refreshing! But I guess my 'abundant garden of beauty' distracted you from reading my profile? Especially the part where I state I have no interest in hearing from men who've taken 'selfies' of their abs in the mirror.

However, for the sake of true love I'll forgive that small oversight and check out your profile, or should I say CV? I'm good at Cooking, Debates, Being Organised, Communication... The only thing that makes me think this hasn't been lifted straight from a job application are the six separate mentions of how good you are at sex and that you can't live without it. The only thing that makes me cringe more is when you boast about owning over 400 films on VHS.

I'm going to assume they're all porn.

This Girl

Tatu

just likstening to tatu all about us. its reminding me of being young and revising to my gcses, a strangely pleasant memory

Dear OH HELL NO,

You sure know the way to a girl's heart! There's nothing I love more than remembering exams, apart from Russian lesbian bands of course!

Speaking of TATU - as far as I remember they only had one hit song in the UK, but that's not the one you named. This leads me to the conclusion that you actually bought their album and listened to it on a regular basis. In fact, you STILL listen to it on a regular basis... What kind of person are you?!

To answer this question I felt I should read through your profile. I like that you've listed 10 facts at the beginning as a way to ease the reader in, although I'm sure you could have come up with something more interesting than "Education is an investment in your earning potential". Some facts about yourself perhaps? I'm pretty sure that's what this space was meant to be filled with... 
Oh wait, you do finally start to list some facts about yourself halfway down the page: "I'm single; I'm not gay; I have a job". These are some solid foundations to build a relationship on! However, I must admit I start to freak out when you write a whole paragraph about your ex-girlfriend who broke up with you on Valentine's Day, ending with the link to her online dating profile. I don't want to use the word stalker, but I'm starting to feel it's appropriate.

The grand finale to your train-wreck of a profile has to be your answer to What things couldn't you live without? - "Girls with low self-esteem".

I don't even know where to begin with that one; I just pray the whole thing's a joke. Although, if you actually are a 27 year-old man who makes joke dating profiles, you're definitely very single and very alone.

Ta-ta!
This Girl

Waddle

"Fat penguin"

Dear Emo Fringe,

Since the dawn of the Internet, every girl with a dating profile has feared for the day she is to become the recipient of the two words I have here in my inbox. Not only do they conjure up the heart-breaking image of an obese bird waddling around behind a glass pane at the zoo (a place where, with this level of originality, I assume you want to take me on our first date?), but they are followed by one of the most cringeworthy lines a girl will ever hear in her lifetime:

"I needed something to break the ice."

How long did it take you to decide that this was the perfect line to woo me with? Based on the amount of effort you've put into your profile I'd say a maximum of 10 seconds. That's pretty insulting; it's almost as if you don't understand the concept of an icebreaker. Let me help you out...

ice·break·er  

/ˈīsˌbrākər/

Noun A ship designed for breaking a channel through ice. A thing that serves to relieve tension between people, or start a conversation. Now let's think about that second definition in a bit more detail. What these two words have achieved is actually the opposite of an icebreaker's purpose: You've managed to create tension between us which previously did not exist - I can now feel the bile rising in my throat. And by forcing me to endure one of the laziest pick-up lines I've ever heard, you have killed off any chance you ever had of starting a conversation with me. I think you'd have been better off using that giant ship, This Girl

Jobs

"Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?"

Dear Unemployed,

I'm a Market Analyst - I analyse past trends to try and predict future behaviour. For example, I can tell you that based on the success rate of this opening line, you're going to have absolutely no luck with me.

100% sure,

This Girl

RVP

"So I nailed my fantasy football today by making Suarez my Captain instead of RVP, because I knew Fergie would take RVP off early. . .thoughts?"

My thoughts: Why did you choose to open the conversation with a potential date with fantasy football talk? Especially when they've mentioned they like rugby and not football?

NEXT