Swayze

"Hey! You look like an intelligent and classy bird! I'm fit, strong, handsome and looking for a bird like you to shag. I don't charge teehee xoxox


Message me back 4 the time of ur life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


Wow Mr Modest, those sure are a lot of exclamation marks(!) 

As you cleverly identified, I am an 'intelligent and classy bird'. Therefore, I think you know full well what's coming your way right now...

Please carry out your search for a 'bird like me' elsewhere.

Apart from your horrific use of Xs and Os (Are you Gossip Girl?), I can clearly see in your profile pictures that you are definitely not handsome, which also makes you a liar. Luckily in most of them you've hidden your face with your phone while taking selfies in the mirror. 

If you are going to take photos of yourself in your bedroom, at least make your bed - it makes you look like a tramp! Were you waiting for your mummy to come and do it? Maybe she was too busy doing your washing, seeing as the only clean clothes you seem to have are a single pair of grey jogging bottoms (not wearing a top I see - I've mentioned that this is my pet peeve).

I think there are definitely a few improvements to be made before you'll convince any other 'classy birds' to come near you. Time to get a life coach!

This Girl

CV

You have such a pretty face and are exquisitely beautiful. I find my self utterly attracted to you. Your delightful picture has caught my eyes! I really like that you have a lovely skin and smile. Face, hair, and body such an abundant garden of beauty! Dnt get shy send me your BBM or txt me so we can chat 07--------- xx

Dear Observant,

Thank you for noticing I have a face, hair and body. Men these days rarely take the time to appreciate women with bodies and faces (and a skin?), so that's very refreshing! But I guess my 'abundant garden of beauty' distracted you from reading my profile? Especially the part where I state I have no interest in hearing from men who've taken 'selfies' of their abs in the mirror.

However, for the sake of true love I'll forgive that small oversight and check out your profile, or should I say CV? I'm good at Cooking, Debates, Being Organised, Communication... The only thing that makes me think this hasn't been lifted straight from a job application are the six separate mentions of how good you are at sex and that you can't live without it. The only thing that makes me cringe more is when you boast about owning over 400 films on VHS.

I'm going to assume they're all porn.

This Girl

Gamer?

"your a gamer!? i bet you must get ask lots of gaming questions. reading your profile you having nothing gaming related :("


Hi Cornrows,

As you say, my profile doesn't even mention gaming so how have you come to the conclusion that this is how I spend my time? The only possible explanation I can muster is that you've misread Brogrammer (a clever pun on the word Programmer) as "Pro Gamer". Therefore I'd just like to say: 
"Thanks for taking the time to properly read through my profile!"
I see one of your profile pictures is you with no shirt on. If you had bothered reading further than the first sentence you'd notice that this is one of the main things I hate, and have asked that any guy doing this to refrain from contacting me.

Many thanks for making the decision to NEVER EVER DATE YOU a whole lot easier!

This Girl

*********************************************************************
UPDATE - Cornrows got in touch again a few days later

"i like your profile. Hence the message :)
Anyways let me cut to the chase. Am i your type?"

Well hello again!

How have you been? Did you have a good weekend? Oh sorry, I see your quest for love has left you no time for polite chit-chat, and apparently no time to capitalise the letter i when referring to yourself. So let's 'cut to the chase'...

Seeing as I (see, it's easy!) gave you a bit of flack for not reading my profile, I thought I'd take the time to go through yours more thoroughly. Looking past the topless photos, I see you've described your profession as 'Dancer/Accountant'... What does this mean? 
Do you like to number-crunch while you ab-crunch? Or do you think skipping over to the office photocopier counts as professional dance training? Either way, this is a combination that really shouldn't go together - choose a career path NOW.

I do like the confidence that you portray by opening with "Hey everyone" - addressing your adoring masses is very thoughtful of you, although possibly the tiniest bit presumptuous? Don't worry, as I carry on reading I see a veritable minefield of jargon that will filter this plethora of ladies down to a small, select group - especially at the end where you decide to quote 2 whole verses from John Lennon's Imagine...

In closing, from looking out of the window and then reading that your ideal first date is "in a park on a summer's day", I Imagine we won't be going out any time soon.

Please just Let It Be,

This Girl

Double

"Hey gorgeous just viewed ur pics u look amazing and would be nice to get to know u :)" - 6th March 2013 "Hey gorgeous just viewed ur pics u look amazing and would be nice to get to know u :)" - 19th March 2013 Well HELLO Man-on-Exercise-Machine! Thanks for making me feel so special...twice This Girl