Machine Pt. II

Hey!

how are you ?

hows ya weekend been so far ?

I came across your profile and would be interested in knowing more about you .Please

have a look at my profile and let me know if you would like to liaise further .

by the way i like ur hair style

is that your hair colour real ?

Looking forward to hearing from u soon

thnx

best regards

sent by phone

Oh Phone, it's you again! Wow, didn't think I'd ever say this but I was actually starting to miss you - these real boys are nowhere near as entertaining!

Have you updated your software or something? I think there may be some bugs in your system - you can no longer capitalise the first letter of a sentence (something that machines automatically do for us lazy human beings these days).

If it wasn't for those three ridiculous sign offs you would have had me fooled - asking about my natural hair colour? That was a stroke of genius! They never would have caught you in Blade Runner...

Not interested in liaising any further,

This Girl

Swayze

"Hey! You look like an intelligent and classy bird! I'm fit, strong, handsome and looking for a bird like you to shag. I don't charge teehee xoxox


Message me back 4 the time of ur life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


Wow Mr Modest, those sure are a lot of exclamation marks(!) 

As you cleverly identified, I am an 'intelligent and classy bird'. Therefore, I think you know full well what's coming your way right now...

Please carry out your search for a 'bird like me' elsewhere.

Apart from your horrific use of Xs and Os (Are you Gossip Girl?), I can clearly see in your profile pictures that you are definitely not handsome, which also makes you a liar. Luckily in most of them you've hidden your face with your phone while taking selfies in the mirror. 

If you are going to take photos of yourself in your bedroom, at least make your bed - it makes you look like a tramp! Were you waiting for your mummy to come and do it? Maybe she was too busy doing your washing, seeing as the only clean clothes you seem to have are a single pair of grey jogging bottoms (not wearing a top I see - I've mentioned that this is my pet peeve).

I think there are definitely a few improvements to be made before you'll convince any other 'classy birds' to come near you. Time to get a life coach!

This Girl

Check

"Hey how are you? 
I love burger abs lobster! It is definitely my favourite restaurant in London! Always go for the lobster though right? :-) I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu. 
Would you risk it for a chocolate biscuit?"



Hey there you!

This is just a quick note to congratulate you on following all the rules of a first message. Honestly mate, you should be really proud that you can read through a checklist...

Step 1. Ask her how she is. This will make her think you're emotionally sensitive and in-tune with her needs.

Step 2. Let her know you're interested in things she's also interested in. If her profile photo features her eating lobster in a bib, make a passing comment about the restaurant. Bonus points for asking a follow-up question.

Step 3. Make her laugh. Not with your personality, silly! Try telling a joke, possibly involving animals. Girls love animals.

Step 4. End with a quote/question. She will find this so irresistibly mysterious that you'll definitely find a message from her in your inbox tomorrow morning!

Step 5. Enjoy sifting through the piles of replies you receive! Have a great time humping and dumping, like the King of Ladies' Men that you are. Happy Hunting!

You've nailed it, fella! I should be asking you what time and where you want us to meet up (at your earliest convenience, obviously), but I realise I'm just one in a hundred girls who are definitely lining up to date you, and you'll never notice little old me. I should just give up, right?

Off to try some of those tasty-sounding 'burger abs' instead.

This Girl

Wasp

How's u hun? Just wondering if you'd be interested in some no stings fun? Do you live near west?

Dear Westerner,

This is probably one of the worst messages I've ever received. I'm assuming you've sent this to at least 100 other girls who came up as living in the London area? You could have at least spellchecked it first!

'No stings' isn't something one would usually need to specify when messaging someone for an intimate encounter... unless that person is used to dressing up as a bee or a scorpion in some crazy bedroom role-play? In which case, my answer is even more of a no than before!

However, I like that you've made this message applicable to women all over the world. Sure, you won't be getting many replies from women in Hong Kong or Thailand, but you've covered most of the globe with your only specification of living 'near west'.

BUZZ OFF!

This Girl

Machine

Hey

how are you ? 
are u enjoyin a sunny days ? 
I came across your profile and would be interested in knowing more . 
Looking forward to hearing from u soon 
thnx 
best regards 
sent by phone

Hi Phone,

I was unaware that the machines had finally risen up and developed self-awareness and emotions. I'm glad you've decided to use them to find love, rather than look for revenge against your human masters.

Some tips for artificial intelligence trying to remain undetected in the human world:

1. Looking forward to hearing from you/Thnx/Best regards are substitutable endings to a message. Using them together makes it obvious that you're not one of us.
2. Saying you'd be interested in knowing more isn't specific enough, given that you've shown absolutely no understanding in the first place
3. Never use the phrase 'A sunny days'

Hopefully putting these in list format has been helpful for you, as I know line command is probably a language you're familiar with, but let me know if you'd like to receive this message in binary.

11001001110001,

This Girl

Tatu

just likstening to tatu all about us. its reminding me of being young and revising to my gcses, a strangely pleasant memory

Dear OH HELL NO,

You sure know the way to a girl's heart! There's nothing I love more than remembering exams, apart from Russian lesbian bands of course!

Speaking of TATU - as far as I remember they only had one hit song in the UK, but that's not the one you named. This leads me to the conclusion that you actually bought their album and listened to it on a regular basis. In fact, you STILL listen to it on a regular basis... What kind of person are you?!

To answer this question I felt I should read through your profile. I like that you've listed 10 facts at the beginning as a way to ease the reader in, although I'm sure you could have come up with something more interesting than "Education is an investment in your earning potential". Some facts about yourself perhaps? I'm pretty sure that's what this space was meant to be filled with... 
Oh wait, you do finally start to list some facts about yourself halfway down the page: "I'm single; I'm not gay; I have a job". These are some solid foundations to build a relationship on! However, I must admit I start to freak out when you write a whole paragraph about your ex-girlfriend who broke up with you on Valentine's Day, ending with the link to her online dating profile. I don't want to use the word stalker, but I'm starting to feel it's appropriate.

The grand finale to your train-wreck of a profile has to be your answer to What things couldn't you live without? - "Girls with low self-esteem".

I don't even know where to begin with that one; I just pray the whole thing's a joke. Although, if you actually are a 27 year-old man who makes joke dating profiles, you're definitely very single and very alone.

Ta-ta!
This Girl

Lool

"Hi there my name is ******** I was just looking at your profile and I just thought I'd let you know how beautiful you really are where have you been all my life lool I hope to hear from you soon babe X"

Dear Looler,

That's a pretty long sentence! Did you think about using any punctuation in there or would it have ruined your romantic message? Unfortunately for you, I'm an absolute sucker for good grammar. Had you used this I would have been putty in your hands.

However, I would like to thank you for letting me know how beautiful I really am...even though you didn't actually use any imagery or even similes that compare my beauty to anything.

Take care babe,

This Girl