Machine Pt. II

Hey!

how are you ?

hows ya weekend been so far ?

I came across your profile and would be interested in knowing more about you .Please

have a look at my profile and let me know if you would like to liaise further .

by the way i like ur hair style

is that your hair colour real ?

Looking forward to hearing from u soon

thnx

best regards

sent by phone

Oh Phone, it's you again! Wow, didn't think I'd ever say this but I was actually starting to miss you - these real boys are nowhere near as entertaining!

Have you updated your software or something? I think there may be some bugs in your system - you can no longer capitalise the first letter of a sentence (something that machines automatically do for us lazy human beings these days).

If it wasn't for those three ridiculous sign offs you would have had me fooled - asking about my natural hair colour? That was a stroke of genius! They never would have caught you in Blade Runner...

Not interested in liaising any further,

This Girl

OhEmGee

"OMG your tastes in music are quite identical to mine. I too enjoy 80s music and 90s Hip Hop

Would you care to name which artists or particular songs

Cool profile you have, you seem like a sweetheart"

WTF! What kind of man starts off a message with ridiculous teen girl text speak? Especially when the words that follow are so formal - "Ah yes, I too enjoy the music of previous decades..."

Not sure what you're trying to get at with that little quiz about songs and artists - It's almost as if you don't believe that two people could have similar/quite identical music tastes? Not quite the OMG moment you think it is, but I guess I should admire the enthusiasm you're bringing to the party.

FYI, a little more punctuation would be great - you started so you may as well finish, right?

LOL This Girl

Cheese

"i already rated you 5/5 stars and i looked for more than five stars , unfortunately there isn't
but you deserve 100 stars , maybe more ,maybe all the shining stars in the sky
;-) :-D"


Alright Romeo,

That's way too much cheese for any girl to take! I hope you haven't laid it on this thick with everyone? Maybe this is the reason you've decided online dating is the way to go - all the girls back home must be tired of this sort of chat...

Hold on, speaking of back home - you're from Tunisia? In what possible reality do you think there could ever be any kind of relationship between us?! Even the guys just looking for hook-ups stay local! This suggests to me that you've even tried all the neighbouring countries, with no luck. Surely that proved this kind of line DOESN'T WORK?!

Think about it.
This Girl

Swayze

"Hey! You look like an intelligent and classy bird! I'm fit, strong, handsome and looking for a bird like you to shag. I don't charge teehee xoxox


Message me back 4 the time of ur life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


Wow Mr Modest, those sure are a lot of exclamation marks(!) 

As you cleverly identified, I am an 'intelligent and classy bird'. Therefore, I think you know full well what's coming your way right now...

Please carry out your search for a 'bird like me' elsewhere.

Apart from your horrific use of Xs and Os (Are you Gossip Girl?), I can clearly see in your profile pictures that you are definitely not handsome, which also makes you a liar. Luckily in most of them you've hidden your face with your phone while taking selfies in the mirror. 

If you are going to take photos of yourself in your bedroom, at least make your bed - it makes you look like a tramp! Were you waiting for your mummy to come and do it? Maybe she was too busy doing your washing, seeing as the only clean clothes you seem to have are a single pair of grey jogging bottoms (not wearing a top I see - I've mentioned that this is my pet peeve).

I think there are definitely a few improvements to be made before you'll convince any other 'classy birds' to come near you. Time to get a life coach!

This Girl

Weight

"hi. are u interested in losing few pounds ? If your answer is yes..let me know..I can help you with some casual sex..xx"

Hey there Mr Unattractively-Thin,

I must say, I'm surprised to get a message like this on a dating website...

Most people manage to find casual sex out in the real world, but from the looks of your profile picture I guess your appearance must be a bit of a barrier for you? I assume this is why online communication probably appealed to you - a chance to show off your personality, so people can get to know the real you before judging you by your appearance.

Unfortunately sending out this message will only exacerbate your problem, as your unsavoury personality isn't enticing either. How anyone could think a message like this would yield any kind of result is actually beyond me.

Go drink a protein shake, you twig.

This Girl

*********************************************
UPDATE: The twig deleted his profile after a week. Definitely needs to improve the marketing around such an attractive offer...

Wasp

How's u hun? Just wondering if you'd be interested in some no stings fun? Do you live near west?

Dear Westerner,

This is probably one of the worst messages I've ever received. I'm assuming you've sent this to at least 100 other girls who came up as living in the London area? You could have at least spellchecked it first!

'No stings' isn't something one would usually need to specify when messaging someone for an intimate encounter... unless that person is used to dressing up as a bee or a scorpion in some crazy bedroom role-play? In which case, my answer is even more of a no than before!

However, I like that you've made this message applicable to women all over the world. Sure, you won't be getting many replies from women in Hong Kong or Thailand, but you've covered most of the globe with your only specification of living 'near west'.

BUZZ OFF!

This Girl

Machine

Hey

how are you ? 
are u enjoyin a sunny days ? 
I came across your profile and would be interested in knowing more . 
Looking forward to hearing from u soon 
thnx 
best regards 
sent by phone

Hi Phone,

I was unaware that the machines had finally risen up and developed self-awareness and emotions. I'm glad you've decided to use them to find love, rather than look for revenge against your human masters.

Some tips for artificial intelligence trying to remain undetected in the human world:

1. Looking forward to hearing from you/Thnx/Best regards are substitutable endings to a message. Using them together makes it obvious that you're not one of us.
2. Saying you'd be interested in knowing more isn't specific enough, given that you've shown absolutely no understanding in the first place
3. Never use the phrase 'A sunny days'

Hopefully putting these in list format has been helpful for you, as I know line command is probably a language you're familiar with, but let me know if you'd like to receive this message in binary.

11001001110001,

This Girl

Minder

"hey I got a cheeky cheesy question if you don't mind" - 13th April 2013
"hey do you mind if I discuss a naughty pleasure matter with you?" - 17th April 2013

Hey Eager Beaver,

I also have a bit of a cheeky question for you - Do you mind not contacting me anymore?

I thought there may be a clue to what this 'naughty pleasure matter' is on your profile so I took a quick look, and after wading my way through tons of ill-constructed jargon sentences I'm pretty sure I found it (since you felt it necessary to repeat 3 times): that disgusting P-word that refers to a lady's hoo-ha/tuppence.

Digging a bit deeper, it becomes clear why you're not getting as much of the P-word as you'd like. You claim to be good at electronic craps, describe yourself as having a shiny face, and say you spend a lot of time thinking about the life path navigator.
Are these the kind of qualities a woman looks for in a man? No.
Are these the kind of qualities you'd find in a computer-robot programmed to speak like a human being? Yes.

So please carry on 'along the way on freedom highway looking for life treasures on the long way' (I'm BEGGING you to learn how to form a sentence). I pity any hitchhikers you pick up along the way.


This Girl

CV

You have such a pretty face and are exquisitely beautiful. I find my self utterly attracted to you. Your delightful picture has caught my eyes! I really like that you have a lovely skin and smile. Face, hair, and body such an abundant garden of beauty! Dnt get shy send me your BBM or txt me so we can chat 07--------- xx

Dear Observant,

Thank you for noticing I have a face, hair and body. Men these days rarely take the time to appreciate women with bodies and faces (and a skin?), so that's very refreshing! But I guess my 'abundant garden of beauty' distracted you from reading my profile? Especially the part where I state I have no interest in hearing from men who've taken 'selfies' of their abs in the mirror.

However, for the sake of true love I'll forgive that small oversight and check out your profile, or should I say CV? I'm good at Cooking, Debates, Being Organised, Communication... The only thing that makes me think this hasn't been lifted straight from a job application are the six separate mentions of how good you are at sex and that you can't live without it. The only thing that makes me cringe more is when you boast about owning over 400 films on VHS.

I'm going to assume they're all porn.

This Girl

Tatu

just likstening to tatu all about us. its reminding me of being young and revising to my gcses, a strangely pleasant memory

Dear OH HELL NO,

You sure know the way to a girl's heart! There's nothing I love more than remembering exams, apart from Russian lesbian bands of course!

Speaking of TATU - as far as I remember they only had one hit song in the UK, but that's not the one you named. This leads me to the conclusion that you actually bought their album and listened to it on a regular basis. In fact, you STILL listen to it on a regular basis... What kind of person are you?!

To answer this question I felt I should read through your profile. I like that you've listed 10 facts at the beginning as a way to ease the reader in, although I'm sure you could have come up with something more interesting than "Education is an investment in your earning potential". Some facts about yourself perhaps? I'm pretty sure that's what this space was meant to be filled with... 
Oh wait, you do finally start to list some facts about yourself halfway down the page: "I'm single; I'm not gay; I have a job". These are some solid foundations to build a relationship on! However, I must admit I start to freak out when you write a whole paragraph about your ex-girlfriend who broke up with you on Valentine's Day, ending with the link to her online dating profile. I don't want to use the word stalker, but I'm starting to feel it's appropriate.

The grand finale to your train-wreck of a profile has to be your answer to What things couldn't you live without? - "Girls with low self-esteem".

I don't even know where to begin with that one; I just pray the whole thing's a joke. Although, if you actually are a 27 year-old man who makes joke dating profiles, you're definitely very single and very alone.

Ta-ta!
This Girl

Gamer?

"your a gamer!? i bet you must get ask lots of gaming questions. reading your profile you having nothing gaming related :("


Hi Cornrows,

As you say, my profile doesn't even mention gaming so how have you come to the conclusion that this is how I spend my time? The only possible explanation I can muster is that you've misread Brogrammer (a clever pun on the word Programmer) as "Pro Gamer". Therefore I'd just like to say: 
"Thanks for taking the time to properly read through my profile!"
I see one of your profile pictures is you with no shirt on. If you had bothered reading further than the first sentence you'd notice that this is one of the main things I hate, and have asked that any guy doing this to refrain from contacting me.

Many thanks for making the decision to NEVER EVER DATE YOU a whole lot easier!

This Girl

*********************************************************************
UPDATE - Cornrows got in touch again a few days later

"i like your profile. Hence the message :)
Anyways let me cut to the chase. Am i your type?"

Well hello again!

How have you been? Did you have a good weekend? Oh sorry, I see your quest for love has left you no time for polite chit-chat, and apparently no time to capitalise the letter i when referring to yourself. So let's 'cut to the chase'...

Seeing as I (see, it's easy!) gave you a bit of flack for not reading my profile, I thought I'd take the time to go through yours more thoroughly. Looking past the topless photos, I see you've described your profession as 'Dancer/Accountant'... What does this mean? 
Do you like to number-crunch while you ab-crunch? Or do you think skipping over to the office photocopier counts as professional dance training? Either way, this is a combination that really shouldn't go together - choose a career path NOW.

I do like the confidence that you portray by opening with "Hey everyone" - addressing your adoring masses is very thoughtful of you, although possibly the tiniest bit presumptuous? Don't worry, as I carry on reading I see a veritable minefield of jargon that will filter this plethora of ladies down to a small, select group - especially at the end where you decide to quote 2 whole verses from John Lennon's Imagine...

In closing, from looking out of the window and then reading that your ideal first date is "in a park on a summer's day", I Imagine we won't be going out any time soon.

Please just Let It Be,

This Girl

Hitman

"Can I take you out"

Dear Badass Mofo,

Seeing as your profile only lists very basic information I'm afraid I must decline. The only information you seem willing to give is that you're a security guard who has his own car. I presume this must be how you transport the bodies that you take out for your mafia boss? 

The intense stare and lack of smile in your profile pictures only fuels the chills I'm feeling down my spine right now. Maybe you could soften them up by holding a teddy bear or a baby?

Actually, stay away from babies...

This Girl

Lool

"Hi there my name is ******** I was just looking at your profile and I just thought I'd let you know how beautiful you really are where have you been all my life lool I hope to hear from you soon babe X"

Dear Looler,

That's a pretty long sentence! Did you think about using any punctuation in there or would it have ruined your romantic message? Unfortunately for you, I'm an absolute sucker for good grammar. Had you used this I would have been putty in your hands.

However, I would like to thank you for letting me know how beautiful I really am...even though you didn't actually use any imagery or even similes that compare my beauty to anything.

Take care babe,

This Girl

Tactics

"Hey how are you ?? Did you have a nice weekend ??? Wales got a bit lucky on Saturday didn't they ?? I'm sure the referee was welsh ;)"

Dear Englishman,

Was this deliberate?? Have you honestly just taken my nationality and an interest of mine and insulted both in the same sentence??? Do I need more question marks????

This Girl