OhEmGee

"OMG your tastes in music are quite identical to mine. I too enjoy 80s music and 90s Hip Hop

Would you care to name which artists or particular songs

Cool profile you have, you seem like a sweetheart"

WTF! What kind of man starts off a message with ridiculous teen girl text speak? Especially when the words that follow are so formal - "Ah yes, I too enjoy the music of previous decades..."

Not sure what you're trying to get at with that little quiz about songs and artists - It's almost as if you don't believe that two people could have similar/quite identical music tastes? Not quite the OMG moment you think it is, but I guess I should admire the enthusiasm you're bringing to the party.

FYI, a little more punctuation would be great - you started so you may as well finish, right?

LOL This Girl

Slippery

"*Ignores wet floor sign, slips into your inbox* Well hello!x"

Oh dear. 

I get the feeling that if I ever spent more than five minutes in your company, I would want to chew off my own arm. This kind of 'humour' is nauseating - as soon as I read this I actually cringed for you. I can't even begin to comprehend how embarrassing it must have been for you to write!

Hopefully this isn't the kind of thing a 22 year old man spends time thinking up by himself, so ai'm going to assume fort your sake that you heard it elsewhere? Well if it was on TV, demand your licence fee back; at some kind of live show, get a refund for your ticket; from a mate, declare the friendship over - this is some sick joke that's been played on you!

I'm nearly considering dating you out of pity... Nearly...

This Girl

Cheese

"i already rated you 5/5 stars and i looked for more than five stars , unfortunately there isn't
but you deserve 100 stars , maybe more ,maybe all the shining stars in the sky
;-) :-D"


Alright Romeo,

That's way too much cheese for any girl to take! I hope you haven't laid it on this thick with everyone? Maybe this is the reason you've decided online dating is the way to go - all the girls back home must be tired of this sort of chat...

Hold on, speaking of back home - you're from Tunisia? In what possible reality do you think there could ever be any kind of relationship between us?! Even the guys just looking for hook-ups stay local! This suggests to me that you've even tried all the neighbouring countries, with no luck. Surely that proved this kind of line DOESN'T WORK?!

Think about it.
This Girl

Reality

"You know a real girl like you needs a real man to make her feel like the woman she is, text me lets have coffee sometime 07********* x"


Dear Real Man,

Thanks for acknowledging that I'm a real girl - a lot of men do tend to forget that girls on dating websites actually exist, and aren't just an email address to which they can send pictures of their dongs. That being said, I'm also certain 'real girls' know better than to fall for this BS you're feeding me.

It's interesting that I've graduated from a real girl to a woman in just one sentence... Or are you implying that once I get a piece of your 'real man' action then I'll blossom from a real-girl-caterpillar into  the kind of beautiful woman-butterfly you want to take out for coffee? I'm pretty sure real men know better than to hand their phone number out all over the internet too.

Another thing real men don't do is go for photoshoots on their own, as I can see from your profile pictures. I'm not talking about a professional model photoshoot; I'm talking about the one you've been on - the ones touted around by some girl wearing a tight top in a shopping centre, which you paid £50 for. The ones only visited by groups of 18-year-old girls about to go on their first sans-parents holiday who want to "remember these days 4eva!!!!!"

REAL bored of you,
This Girl

Admin

Hello, 

I deeply regret that it is my unfortunate duty to bring it to your attention that you are above and beyond our maximum standards for looks. 
You are clearly a 9/10 and here on OKCupid we only allow 6/10 maximum. 
Your account will be CLOSED unless you reply to this message with your name, phone number, your favourite flower, how many Doritos you can fit in your mouth at once (just curious) and if you prefer Chinese or Italian cuisine. 
This is very serious business and I would advise you to not take my message lightly or you might anger my boss Cupid, the lord of love. 

Thanks.


Hello Fake Admin,

Just to save you the embarrassment, I'm going to pretend that you didn't describe yourself as Cupid's sidekick/automated banking security, and carry on as normal.

Do you realise this is a very strange collection of facts to ask for? As much as I loved your thinly-veiled attempt to find out how big my mouth is, you could have tried to ask a more relevant set of questions as filler. For instance, rather than asking for my favourite flower, you could have asked if this kind of approach is ever likely to work with me. Although I think you probably already know the answer to that...

Are there any girls who actually replied to this? I feel the only ones who would are simply dumb enough to think this is a real admin message, rather than appreciating your genius. Good luck with getting further 'security information' out of those girls!

And finally, ONLY A 9/10?! You try this hard to flatter me and don't even go for the full 10? Crap, maybe you are a real admin...

This Girl

Detective

"hello you look pretty in your pink dress and tights xx"

Dear Mr...

...WHAT THE HELL, THAT'S ACTUALLY WHAT I'M WEARING RIGHT NOW!

At first glance I thought your message was commenting on one of my pictures, but I realise as I read through it that I don't have a photo like that on the website, and in fact that's actually the outfit I'm wearing at this exact moment in time...

I know on your profile you say you want to "find a girlfriend so I can be happy", but I don't think that you should physically go out and hunt one down! Especially as you're in Canterbury and I'm in London. That is TOO FAR my friend...

Please move your attentions along to someone else immediately!

This Girl (or That Girl, or someone else completely different and incognito)

Minder

"hey I got a cheeky cheesy question if you don't mind" - 13th April 2013
"hey do you mind if I discuss a naughty pleasure matter with you?" - 17th April 2013

Hey Eager Beaver,

I also have a bit of a cheeky question for you - Do you mind not contacting me anymore?

I thought there may be a clue to what this 'naughty pleasure matter' is on your profile so I took a quick look, and after wading my way through tons of ill-constructed jargon sentences I'm pretty sure I found it (since you felt it necessary to repeat 3 times): that disgusting P-word that refers to a lady's hoo-ha/tuppence.

Digging a bit deeper, it becomes clear why you're not getting as much of the P-word as you'd like. You claim to be good at electronic craps, describe yourself as having a shiny face, and say you spend a lot of time thinking about the life path navigator.
Are these the kind of qualities a woman looks for in a man? No.
Are these the kind of qualities you'd find in a computer-robot programmed to speak like a human being? Yes.

So please carry on 'along the way on freedom highway looking for life treasures on the long way' (I'm BEGGING you to learn how to form a sentence). I pity any hitchhikers you pick up along the way.


This Girl

Gamer?

"your a gamer!? i bet you must get ask lots of gaming questions. reading your profile you having nothing gaming related :("


Hi Cornrows,

As you say, my profile doesn't even mention gaming so how have you come to the conclusion that this is how I spend my time? The only possible explanation I can muster is that you've misread Brogrammer (a clever pun on the word Programmer) as "Pro Gamer". Therefore I'd just like to say: 
"Thanks for taking the time to properly read through my profile!"
I see one of your profile pictures is you with no shirt on. If you had bothered reading further than the first sentence you'd notice that this is one of the main things I hate, and have asked that any guy doing this to refrain from contacting me.

Many thanks for making the decision to NEVER EVER DATE YOU a whole lot easier!

This Girl

*********************************************************************
UPDATE - Cornrows got in touch again a few days later

"i like your profile. Hence the message :)
Anyways let me cut to the chase. Am i your type?"

Well hello again!

How have you been? Did you have a good weekend? Oh sorry, I see your quest for love has left you no time for polite chit-chat, and apparently no time to capitalise the letter i when referring to yourself. So let's 'cut to the chase'...

Seeing as I (see, it's easy!) gave you a bit of flack for not reading my profile, I thought I'd take the time to go through yours more thoroughly. Looking past the topless photos, I see you've described your profession as 'Dancer/Accountant'... What does this mean? 
Do you like to number-crunch while you ab-crunch? Or do you think skipping over to the office photocopier counts as professional dance training? Either way, this is a combination that really shouldn't go together - choose a career path NOW.

I do like the confidence that you portray by opening with "Hey everyone" - addressing your adoring masses is very thoughtful of you, although possibly the tiniest bit presumptuous? Don't worry, as I carry on reading I see a veritable minefield of jargon that will filter this plethora of ladies down to a small, select group - especially at the end where you decide to quote 2 whole verses from John Lennon's Imagine...

In closing, from looking out of the window and then reading that your ideal first date is "in a park on a summer's day", I Imagine we won't be going out any time soon.

Please just Let It Be,

This Girl

Jobs

"Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?"

Dear Unemployed,

I'm a Market Analyst - I analyse past trends to try and predict future behaviour. For example, I can tell you that based on the success rate of this opening line, you're going to have absolutely no luck with me.

100% sure,

This Girl

Reeling

"Hey , so I really like opening on a terrible joke like what did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?
My much more interesting question is all about your entertainment centre?? What do you have planned there? I dream of having one but it mainly revolves round a really nice stereo and maybe a good setup to also watch F1 in HD, turns out its the best thing ever (and took me by surprise really like HD always does)"

Dear Comedian-in-training,

Pretty sure you're supposed to say the punchline when telling a joke. Oh wait...am I meant to be on tenterhooks; so eager to find out what the answer is that I reply to your message? How clever!
One problem with that well-thought-out strategy: From the looks of the opener, the punchline is going to be terrible, and therefore I'm actively going to avoid finding out how it ends.

Credit to you - you have actually read my profile to find out my interests, which you're obviously trying to use to reel me in. Comedy? Check. Entertainment centre? Check. Formula One? Check. Wow, it's like we're made for each other...

Sorry, but I think we're just too compatible,

This Girl