Swayze

"Hey! You look like an intelligent and classy bird! I'm fit, strong, handsome and looking for a bird like you to shag. I don't charge teehee xoxox


Message me back 4 the time of ur life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


Wow Mr Modest, those sure are a lot of exclamation marks(!) 

As you cleverly identified, I am an 'intelligent and classy bird'. Therefore, I think you know full well what's coming your way right now...

Please carry out your search for a 'bird like me' elsewhere.

Apart from your horrific use of Xs and Os (Are you Gossip Girl?), I can clearly see in your profile pictures that you are definitely not handsome, which also makes you a liar. Luckily in most of them you've hidden your face with your phone while taking selfies in the mirror. 

If you are going to take photos of yourself in your bedroom, at least make your bed - it makes you look like a tramp! Were you waiting for your mummy to come and do it? Maybe she was too busy doing your washing, seeing as the only clean clothes you seem to have are a single pair of grey jogging bottoms (not wearing a top I see - I've mentioned that this is my pet peeve).

I think there are definitely a few improvements to be made before you'll convince any other 'classy birds' to come near you. Time to get a life coach!

This Girl

Weight

"hi. are u interested in losing few pounds ? If your answer is yes..let me know..I can help you with some casual sex..xx"

Hey there Mr Unattractively-Thin,

I must say, I'm surprised to get a message like this on a dating website...

Most people manage to find casual sex out in the real world, but from the looks of your profile picture I guess your appearance must be a bit of a barrier for you? I assume this is why online communication probably appealed to you - a chance to show off your personality, so people can get to know the real you before judging you by your appearance.

Unfortunately sending out this message will only exacerbate your problem, as your unsavoury personality isn't enticing either. How anyone could think a message like this would yield any kind of result is actually beyond me.

Go drink a protein shake, you twig.

This Girl

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UPDATE: The twig deleted his profile after a week. Definitely needs to improve the marketing around such an attractive offer...

Minder

"hey I got a cheeky cheesy question if you don't mind" - 13th April 2013
"hey do you mind if I discuss a naughty pleasure matter with you?" - 17th April 2013

Hey Eager Beaver,

I also have a bit of a cheeky question for you - Do you mind not contacting me anymore?

I thought there may be a clue to what this 'naughty pleasure matter' is on your profile so I took a quick look, and after wading my way through tons of ill-constructed jargon sentences I'm pretty sure I found it (since you felt it necessary to repeat 3 times): that disgusting P-word that refers to a lady's hoo-ha/tuppence.

Digging a bit deeper, it becomes clear why you're not getting as much of the P-word as you'd like. You claim to be good at electronic craps, describe yourself as having a shiny face, and say you spend a lot of time thinking about the life path navigator.
Are these the kind of qualities a woman looks for in a man? No.
Are these the kind of qualities you'd find in a computer-robot programmed to speak like a human being? Yes.

So please carry on 'along the way on freedom highway looking for life treasures on the long way' (I'm BEGGING you to learn how to form a sentence). I pity any hitchhikers you pick up along the way.


This Girl