Short

"nice boobs :)"



Same to you mate - I can see yours through your tank top that's way too small. Oh sorry, you thought it made you look 'hench' and muscly? Nope! Just makes you look fat.

At least I'm meant to have boobs...
This Girl

Reality

"You know a real girl like you needs a real man to make her feel like the woman she is, text me lets have coffee sometime 07********* x"


Dear Real Man,

Thanks for acknowledging that I'm a real girl - a lot of men do tend to forget that girls on dating websites actually exist, and aren't just an email address to which they can send pictures of their dongs. That being said, I'm also certain 'real girls' know better than to fall for this BS you're feeding me.

It's interesting that I've graduated from a real girl to a woman in just one sentence... Or are you implying that once I get a piece of your 'real man' action then I'll blossom from a real-girl-caterpillar into  the kind of beautiful woman-butterfly you want to take out for coffee? I'm pretty sure real men know better than to hand their phone number out all over the internet too.

Another thing real men don't do is go for photoshoots on their own, as I can see from your profile pictures. I'm not talking about a professional model photoshoot; I'm talking about the one you've been on - the ones touted around by some girl wearing a tight top in a shopping centre, which you paid £50 for. The ones only visited by groups of 18-year-old girls about to go on their first sans-parents holiday who want to "remember these days 4eva!!!!!"

REAL bored of you,
This Girl

Topline

Hey This Girl, 


Firstly I can count to 5 in welsh. 

Secondly, you said that if you pick your laptop by the screen that's bad, what about an iPad? It's basically all screen! 

If you could have a super power what would it be? 
X

Hey Mr No-Nonsense,

Thanks for the memo-style message that makes me feel like I'm at work; having to give facts about myself for some lame team-building exercise.

Firstly, being able to count in a dying language is not a skill that I find in any way desirable. In fact, unless you need to write to a penpal in Patagonia (the only place where Welsh is spoken outside of Wales), it's completely useless. You will not be a good role model for our potential future children.

Secondly, I said I hate it when people pick up a laptop by the screen. What does that have to do with an iPad? Again, pedantry is not something I want to pass on to our offspring...

And finally, if I could have a super power it would undoubtedly be the ability to ignore men who send me ridiculous messages...

Looks like I'm off to join the X-Men then!

This Girl

Machine

Hey

how are you ? 
are u enjoyin a sunny days ? 
I came across your profile and would be interested in knowing more . 
Looking forward to hearing from u soon 
thnx 
best regards 
sent by phone

Hi Phone,

I was unaware that the machines had finally risen up and developed self-awareness and emotions. I'm glad you've decided to use them to find love, rather than look for revenge against your human masters.

Some tips for artificial intelligence trying to remain undetected in the human world:

1. Looking forward to hearing from you/Thnx/Best regards are substitutable endings to a message. Using them together makes it obvious that you're not one of us.
2. Saying you'd be interested in knowing more isn't specific enough, given that you've shown absolutely no understanding in the first place
3. Never use the phrase 'A sunny days'

Hopefully putting these in list format has been helpful for you, as I know line command is probably a language you're familiar with, but let me know if you'd like to receive this message in binary.

11001001110001,

This Girl

Tatu

just likstening to tatu all about us. its reminding me of being young and revising to my gcses, a strangely pleasant memory

Dear OH HELL NO,

You sure know the way to a girl's heart! There's nothing I love more than remembering exams, apart from Russian lesbian bands of course!

Speaking of TATU - as far as I remember they only had one hit song in the UK, but that's not the one you named. This leads me to the conclusion that you actually bought their album and listened to it on a regular basis. In fact, you STILL listen to it on a regular basis... What kind of person are you?!

To answer this question I felt I should read through your profile. I like that you've listed 10 facts at the beginning as a way to ease the reader in, although I'm sure you could have come up with something more interesting than "Education is an investment in your earning potential". Some facts about yourself perhaps? I'm pretty sure that's what this space was meant to be filled with... 
Oh wait, you do finally start to list some facts about yourself halfway down the page: "I'm single; I'm not gay; I have a job". These are some solid foundations to build a relationship on! However, I must admit I start to freak out when you write a whole paragraph about your ex-girlfriend who broke up with you on Valentine's Day, ending with the link to her online dating profile. I don't want to use the word stalker, but I'm starting to feel it's appropriate.

The grand finale to your train-wreck of a profile has to be your answer to What things couldn't you live without? - "Girls with low self-esteem".

I don't even know where to begin with that one; I just pray the whole thing's a joke. Although, if you actually are a 27 year-old man who makes joke dating profiles, you're definitely very single and very alone.

Ta-ta!
This Girl

Waddle

"Fat penguin"

Dear Emo Fringe,

Since the dawn of the Internet, every girl with a dating profile has feared for the day she is to become the recipient of the two words I have here in my inbox. Not only do they conjure up the heart-breaking image of an obese bird waddling around behind a glass pane at the zoo (a place where, with this level of originality, I assume you want to take me on our first date?), but they are followed by one of the most cringeworthy lines a girl will ever hear in her lifetime:

"I needed something to break the ice."

How long did it take you to decide that this was the perfect line to woo me with? Based on the amount of effort you've put into your profile I'd say a maximum of 10 seconds. That's pretty insulting; it's almost as if you don't understand the concept of an icebreaker. Let me help you out...

ice·break·er  

/ˈīsˌbrākər/

Noun A ship designed for breaking a channel through ice. A thing that serves to relieve tension between people, or start a conversation. Now let's think about that second definition in a bit more detail. What these two words have achieved is actually the opposite of an icebreaker's purpose: You've managed to create tension between us which previously did not exist - I can now feel the bile rising in my throat. And by forcing me to endure one of the laziest pick-up lines I've ever heard, you have killed off any chance you ever had of starting a conversation with me. I think you'd have been better off using that giant ship, This Girl

Lool

"Hi there my name is ******** I was just looking at your profile and I just thought I'd let you know how beautiful you really are where have you been all my life lool I hope to hear from you soon babe X"

Dear Looler,

That's a pretty long sentence! Did you think about using any punctuation in there or would it have ruined your romantic message? Unfortunately for you, I'm an absolute sucker for good grammar. Had you used this I would have been putty in your hands.

However, I would like to thank you for letting me know how beautiful I really am...even though you didn't actually use any imagery or even similes that compare my beauty to anything.

Take care babe,

This Girl