Slippery

"*Ignores wet floor sign, slips into your inbox* Well hello!x"

Oh dear. 

I get the feeling that if I ever spent more than five minutes in your company, I would want to chew off my own arm. This kind of 'humour' is nauseating - as soon as I read this I actually cringed for you. I can't even begin to comprehend how embarrassing it must have been for you to write!

Hopefully this isn't the kind of thing a 22 year old man spends time thinking up by himself, so ai'm going to assume fort your sake that you heard it elsewhere? Well if it was on TV, demand your licence fee back; at some kind of live show, get a refund for your ticket; from a mate, declare the friendship over - this is some sick joke that's been played on you!

I'm nearly considering dating you out of pity... Nearly...

This Girl

Cheese

"i already rated you 5/5 stars and i looked for more than five stars , unfortunately there isn't
but you deserve 100 stars , maybe more ,maybe all the shining stars in the sky
;-) :-D"


Alright Romeo,

That's way too much cheese for any girl to take! I hope you haven't laid it on this thick with everyone? Maybe this is the reason you've decided online dating is the way to go - all the girls back home must be tired of this sort of chat...

Hold on, speaking of back home - you're from Tunisia? In what possible reality do you think there could ever be any kind of relationship between us?! Even the guys just looking for hook-ups stay local! This suggests to me that you've even tried all the neighbouring countries, with no luck. Surely that proved this kind of line DOESN'T WORK?!

Think about it.
This Girl

Swayze

"Hey! You look like an intelligent and classy bird! I'm fit, strong, handsome and looking for a bird like you to shag. I don't charge teehee xoxox


Message me back 4 the time of ur life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


Wow Mr Modest, those sure are a lot of exclamation marks(!) 

As you cleverly identified, I am an 'intelligent and classy bird'. Therefore, I think you know full well what's coming your way right now...

Please carry out your search for a 'bird like me' elsewhere.

Apart from your horrific use of Xs and Os (Are you Gossip Girl?), I can clearly see in your profile pictures that you are definitely not handsome, which also makes you a liar. Luckily in most of them you've hidden your face with your phone while taking selfies in the mirror. 

If you are going to take photos of yourself in your bedroom, at least make your bed - it makes you look like a tramp! Were you waiting for your mummy to come and do it? Maybe she was too busy doing your washing, seeing as the only clean clothes you seem to have are a single pair of grey jogging bottoms (not wearing a top I see - I've mentioned that this is my pet peeve).

I think there are definitely a few improvements to be made before you'll convince any other 'classy birds' to come near you. Time to get a life coach!

This Girl

Short

"nice boobs :)"



Same to you mate - I can see yours through your tank top that's way too small. Oh sorry, you thought it made you look 'hench' and muscly? Nope! Just makes you look fat.

At least I'm meant to have boobs...
This Girl

Reality

"You know a real girl like you needs a real man to make her feel like the woman she is, text me lets have coffee sometime 07********* x"


Dear Real Man,

Thanks for acknowledging that I'm a real girl - a lot of men do tend to forget that girls on dating websites actually exist, and aren't just an email address to which they can send pictures of their dongs. That being said, I'm also certain 'real girls' know better than to fall for this BS you're feeding me.

It's interesting that I've graduated from a real girl to a woman in just one sentence... Or are you implying that once I get a piece of your 'real man' action then I'll blossom from a real-girl-caterpillar into  the kind of beautiful woman-butterfly you want to take out for coffee? I'm pretty sure real men know better than to hand their phone number out all over the internet too.

Another thing real men don't do is go for photoshoots on their own, as I can see from your profile pictures. I'm not talking about a professional model photoshoot; I'm talking about the one you've been on - the ones touted around by some girl wearing a tight top in a shopping centre, which you paid £50 for. The ones only visited by groups of 18-year-old girls about to go on their first sans-parents holiday who want to "remember these days 4eva!!!!!"

REAL bored of you,
This Girl

Admin

Hello, 

I deeply regret that it is my unfortunate duty to bring it to your attention that you are above and beyond our maximum standards for looks. 
You are clearly a 9/10 and here on OKCupid we only allow 6/10 maximum. 
Your account will be CLOSED unless you reply to this message with your name, phone number, your favourite flower, how many Doritos you can fit in your mouth at once (just curious) and if you prefer Chinese or Italian cuisine. 
This is very serious business and I would advise you to not take my message lightly or you might anger my boss Cupid, the lord of love. 

Thanks.


Hello Fake Admin,

Just to save you the embarrassment, I'm going to pretend that you didn't describe yourself as Cupid's sidekick/automated banking security, and carry on as normal.

Do you realise this is a very strange collection of facts to ask for? As much as I loved your thinly-veiled attempt to find out how big my mouth is, you could have tried to ask a more relevant set of questions as filler. For instance, rather than asking for my favourite flower, you could have asked if this kind of approach is ever likely to work with me. Although I think you probably already know the answer to that...

Are there any girls who actually replied to this? I feel the only ones who would are simply dumb enough to think this is a real admin message, rather than appreciating your genius. Good luck with getting further 'security information' out of those girls!

And finally, ONLY A 9/10?! You try this hard to flatter me and don't even go for the full 10? Crap, maybe you are a real admin...

This Girl

Detective

"hello you look pretty in your pink dress and tights xx"

Dear Mr...

...WHAT THE HELL, THAT'S ACTUALLY WHAT I'M WEARING RIGHT NOW!

At first glance I thought your message was commenting on one of my pictures, but I realise as I read through it that I don't have a photo like that on the website, and in fact that's actually the outfit I'm wearing at this exact moment in time...

I know on your profile you say you want to "find a girlfriend so I can be happy", but I don't think that you should physically go out and hunt one down! Especially as you're in Canterbury and I'm in London. That is TOO FAR my friend...

Please move your attentions along to someone else immediately!

This Girl (or That Girl, or someone else completely different and incognito)