Short

"nice boobs :)"



Same to you mate - I can see yours through your tank top that's way too small. Oh sorry, you thought it made you look 'hench' and muscly? Nope! Just makes you look fat.

At least I'm meant to have boobs...
This Girl

Reality

"You know a real girl like you needs a real man to make her feel like the woman she is, text me lets have coffee sometime 07********* x"


Dear Real Man,

Thanks for acknowledging that I'm a real girl - a lot of men do tend to forget that girls on dating websites actually exist, and aren't just an email address to which they can send pictures of their dongs. That being said, I'm also certain 'real girls' know better than to fall for this BS you're feeding me.

It's interesting that I've graduated from a real girl to a woman in just one sentence... Or are you implying that once I get a piece of your 'real man' action then I'll blossom from a real-girl-caterpillar into  the kind of beautiful woman-butterfly you want to take out for coffee? I'm pretty sure real men know better than to hand their phone number out all over the internet too.

Another thing real men don't do is go for photoshoots on their own, as I can see from your profile pictures. I'm not talking about a professional model photoshoot; I'm talking about the one you've been on - the ones touted around by some girl wearing a tight top in a shopping centre, which you paid £50 for. The ones only visited by groups of 18-year-old girls about to go on their first sans-parents holiday who want to "remember these days 4eva!!!!!"

REAL bored of you,
This Girl

Admin

Hello, 

I deeply regret that it is my unfortunate duty to bring it to your attention that you are above and beyond our maximum standards for looks. 
You are clearly a 9/10 and here on OKCupid we only allow 6/10 maximum. 
Your account will be CLOSED unless you reply to this message with your name, phone number, your favourite flower, how many Doritos you can fit in your mouth at once (just curious) and if you prefer Chinese or Italian cuisine. 
This is very serious business and I would advise you to not take my message lightly or you might anger my boss Cupid, the lord of love. 

Thanks.


Hello Fake Admin,

Just to save you the embarrassment, I'm going to pretend that you didn't describe yourself as Cupid's sidekick/automated banking security, and carry on as normal.

Do you realise this is a very strange collection of facts to ask for? As much as I loved your thinly-veiled attempt to find out how big my mouth is, you could have tried to ask a more relevant set of questions as filler. For instance, rather than asking for my favourite flower, you could have asked if this kind of approach is ever likely to work with me. Although I think you probably already know the answer to that...

Are there any girls who actually replied to this? I feel the only ones who would are simply dumb enough to think this is a real admin message, rather than appreciating your genius. Good luck with getting further 'security information' out of those girls!

And finally, ONLY A 9/10?! You try this hard to flatter me and don't even go for the full 10? Crap, maybe you are a real admin...

This Girl

Detective

"hello you look pretty in your pink dress and tights xx"

Dear Mr...

...WHAT THE HELL, THAT'S ACTUALLY WHAT I'M WEARING RIGHT NOW!

At first glance I thought your message was commenting on one of my pictures, but I realise as I read through it that I don't have a photo like that on the website, and in fact that's actually the outfit I'm wearing at this exact moment in time...

I know on your profile you say you want to "find a girlfriend so I can be happy", but I don't think that you should physically go out and hunt one down! Especially as you're in Canterbury and I'm in London. That is TOO FAR my friend...

Please move your attentions along to someone else immediately!

This Girl (or That Girl, or someone else completely different and incognito)

Weight

"hi. are u interested in losing few pounds ? If your answer is yes..let me know..I can help you with some casual sex..xx"

Hey there Mr Unattractively-Thin,

I must say, I'm surprised to get a message like this on a dating website...

Most people manage to find casual sex out in the real world, but from the looks of your profile picture I guess your appearance must be a bit of a barrier for you? I assume this is why online communication probably appealed to you - a chance to show off your personality, so people can get to know the real you before judging you by your appearance.

Unfortunately sending out this message will only exacerbate your problem, as your unsavoury personality isn't enticing either. How anyone could think a message like this would yield any kind of result is actually beyond me.

Go drink a protein shake, you twig.

This Girl

*********************************************
UPDATE: The twig deleted his profile after a week. Definitely needs to improve the marketing around such an attractive offer...

Check

"Hey how are you? 
I love burger abs lobster! It is definitely my favourite restaurant in London! Always go for the lobster though right? :-) I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu. 
Would you risk it for a chocolate biscuit?"



Hey there you!

This is just a quick note to congratulate you on following all the rules of a first message. Honestly mate, you should be really proud that you can read through a checklist...

Step 1. Ask her how she is. This will make her think you're emotionally sensitive and in-tune with her needs.

Step 2. Let her know you're interested in things she's also interested in. If her profile photo features her eating lobster in a bib, make a passing comment about the restaurant. Bonus points for asking a follow-up question.

Step 3. Make her laugh. Not with your personality, silly! Try telling a joke, possibly involving animals. Girls love animals.

Step 4. End with a quote/question. She will find this so irresistibly mysterious that you'll definitely find a message from her in your inbox tomorrow morning!

Step 5. Enjoy sifting through the piles of replies you receive! Have a great time humping and dumping, like the King of Ladies' Men that you are. Happy Hunting!

You've nailed it, fella! I should be asking you what time and where you want us to meet up (at your earliest convenience, obviously), but I realise I'm just one in a hundred girls who are definitely lining up to date you, and you'll never notice little old me. I should just give up, right?

Off to try some of those tasty-sounding 'burger abs' instead.

This Girl

Article: Profile Clichés

Attention ladies of the Internet! 

Apparently all the single men had a meeting to decide on the most alluring elements of an online dating profile. Unfortunately, this is all they managed to come up with...

First date: The Zoo
At least 6 out of 10 guys I come across think taking a girl to the zoo is a cute and original idea. Just a quick note - if it's an idea that Kirk from TOWIE can come up with, then you need to do better.

Also, let's be honest with ourselves here - on a first date, all we really want to do is get a few drinks down our throat (and our date's) so we can work up the courage to be ourselves around someone new, and feel like we're far more impressive than we actually are. Leave your quirky ideas for a second or third date when you feel like the relationship could actually go somewhere and you realise your personality isn't enough to keep the girl interested.

Looking for a partner in crime
Erm, no thanks - prison's not for me. But judging by the Kappa jacket and sovereign rings you're wearing in your photos, it's somewhere you'd fit in quite well. Sorry to say it, but I think it's going to be a one-man job mate!

If anyone asks, we met in the supermarket/at the park/on a bus
Ah okay, so you're ashamed to end up in a relationship with someone who admits to internet dating... Great first impression! I hate to be the one to tell you this, but YOU'RE ON A DATING WEBSITE! If this is a problem then maybe you should skulk around the supermarket/park/bus stop for real, waiting for the woman of your dreams to show up? No worries, I'm sure the lovely lady you end up with will be lowering her standards too.

Recently moved to [insert town/city name], and looking for someone to explore with
You live here now - go buy a map and explore it yourself; I'm not a tour guide! Plus this way when we eventually break up, I won't have to avoid all my favourite bars and restaurants at the risk of seeing you around every corner.

Looking for a woman I can spoil

Oh pur-lease! If you were really that rich you wouldn't be trawling the internet for women - gold-diggers are ten a penny in the real world! Any clown that says this means that if he pays for dinner on your first date, he's expecting you to return the favour in the bedroom later. Go away you disgusting little man; the only thing you're spoiling is my appetite...

This is just some of the pig swill I've read through on my quest to find one man that isn't a moron. I'll undoubtedly encounter more along the way which I'll be sure to warn you about, but I want your help - If you've read something that's made you throw up in your mouth a little bit, I'd love to hear about it! Leave me a comment or send me a tweet @datesschmates

Thanks!

This Girl