Minder

"hey I got a cheeky cheesy question if you don't mind" - 13th April 2013
"hey do you mind if I discuss a naughty pleasure matter with you?" - 17th April 2013

Hey Eager Beaver,

I also have a bit of a cheeky question for you - Do you mind not contacting me anymore?

I thought there may be a clue to what this 'naughty pleasure matter' is on your profile so I took a quick look, and after wading my way through tons of ill-constructed jargon sentences I'm pretty sure I found it (since you felt it necessary to repeat 3 times): that disgusting P-word that refers to a lady's hoo-ha/tuppence.

Digging a bit deeper, it becomes clear why you're not getting as much of the P-word as you'd like. You claim to be good at electronic craps, describe yourself as having a shiny face, and say you spend a lot of time thinking about the life path navigator.
Are these the kind of qualities a woman looks for in a man? No.
Are these the kind of qualities you'd find in a computer-robot programmed to speak like a human being? Yes.

So please carry on 'along the way on freedom highway looking for life treasures on the long way' (I'm BEGGING you to learn how to form a sentence). I pity any hitchhikers you pick up along the way.


This Girl

CV

You have such a pretty face and are exquisitely beautiful. I find my self utterly attracted to you. Your delightful picture has caught my eyes! I really like that you have a lovely skin and smile. Face, hair, and body such an abundant garden of beauty! Dnt get shy send me your BBM or txt me so we can chat 07--------- xx

Dear Observant,

Thank you for noticing I have a face, hair and body. Men these days rarely take the time to appreciate women with bodies and faces (and a skin?), so that's very refreshing! But I guess my 'abundant garden of beauty' distracted you from reading my profile? Especially the part where I state I have no interest in hearing from men who've taken 'selfies' of their abs in the mirror.

However, for the sake of true love I'll forgive that small oversight and check out your profile, or should I say CV? I'm good at Cooking, Debates, Being Organised, Communication... The only thing that makes me think this hasn't been lifted straight from a job application are the six separate mentions of how good you are at sex and that you can't live without it. The only thing that makes me cringe more is when you boast about owning over 400 films on VHS.

I'm going to assume they're all porn.

This Girl

Tatu

just likstening to tatu all about us. its reminding me of being young and revising to my gcses, a strangely pleasant memory

Dear OH HELL NO,

You sure know the way to a girl's heart! There's nothing I love more than remembering exams, apart from Russian lesbian bands of course!

Speaking of TATU - as far as I remember they only had one hit song in the UK, but that's not the one you named. This leads me to the conclusion that you actually bought their album and listened to it on a regular basis. In fact, you STILL listen to it on a regular basis... What kind of person are you?!

To answer this question I felt I should read through your profile. I like that you've listed 10 facts at the beginning as a way to ease the reader in, although I'm sure you could have come up with something more interesting than "Education is an investment in your earning potential". Some facts about yourself perhaps? I'm pretty sure that's what this space was meant to be filled with... 
Oh wait, you do finally start to list some facts about yourself halfway down the page: "I'm single; I'm not gay; I have a job". These are some solid foundations to build a relationship on! However, I must admit I start to freak out when you write a whole paragraph about your ex-girlfriend who broke up with you on Valentine's Day, ending with the link to her online dating profile. I don't want to use the word stalker, but I'm starting to feel it's appropriate.

The grand finale to your train-wreck of a profile has to be your answer to What things couldn't you live without? - "Girls with low self-esteem".

I don't even know where to begin with that one; I just pray the whole thing's a joke. Although, if you actually are a 27 year-old man who makes joke dating profiles, you're definitely very single and very alone.

Ta-ta!
This Girl