Waddle

"Fat penguin"

Dear Emo Fringe,

Since the dawn of the Internet, every girl with a dating profile has feared for the day she is to become the recipient of the two words I have here in my inbox. Not only do they conjure up the heart-breaking image of an obese bird waddling around behind a glass pane at the zoo (a place where, with this level of originality, I assume you want to take me on our first date?), but they are followed by one of the most cringeworthy lines a girl will ever hear in her lifetime:

"I needed something to break the ice."

How long did it take you to decide that this was the perfect line to woo me with? Based on the amount of effort you've put into your profile I'd say a maximum of 10 seconds. That's pretty insulting; it's almost as if you don't understand the concept of an icebreaker. Let me help you out...

ice·break·er  

/ˈīsˌbrākər/

Noun A ship designed for breaking a channel through ice. A thing that serves to relieve tension between people, or start a conversation. Now let's think about that second definition in a bit more detail. What these two words have achieved is actually the opposite of an icebreaker's purpose: You've managed to create tension between us which previously did not exist - I can now feel the bile rising in my throat. And by forcing me to endure one of the laziest pick-up lines I've ever heard, you have killed off any chance you ever had of starting a conversation with me. I think you'd have been better off using that giant ship, This Girl

Gamer?

"your a gamer!? i bet you must get ask lots of gaming questions. reading your profile you having nothing gaming related :("


Hi Cornrows,

As you say, my profile doesn't even mention gaming so how have you come to the conclusion that this is how I spend my time? The only possible explanation I can muster is that you've misread Brogrammer (a clever pun on the word Programmer) as "Pro Gamer". Therefore I'd just like to say: 
"Thanks for taking the time to properly read through my profile!"
I see one of your profile pictures is you with no shirt on. If you had bothered reading further than the first sentence you'd notice that this is one of the main things I hate, and have asked that any guy doing this to refrain from contacting me.

Many thanks for making the decision to NEVER EVER DATE YOU a whole lot easier!

This Girl

*********************************************************************
UPDATE - Cornrows got in touch again a few days later

"i like your profile. Hence the message :)
Anyways let me cut to the chase. Am i your type?"

Well hello again!

How have you been? Did you have a good weekend? Oh sorry, I see your quest for love has left you no time for polite chit-chat, and apparently no time to capitalise the letter i when referring to yourself. So let's 'cut to the chase'...

Seeing as I (see, it's easy!) gave you a bit of flack for not reading my profile, I thought I'd take the time to go through yours more thoroughly. Looking past the topless photos, I see you've described your profession as 'Dancer/Accountant'... What does this mean? 
Do you like to number-crunch while you ab-crunch? Or do you think skipping over to the office photocopier counts as professional dance training? Either way, this is a combination that really shouldn't go together - choose a career path NOW.

I do like the confidence that you portray by opening with "Hey everyone" - addressing your adoring masses is very thoughtful of you, although possibly the tiniest bit presumptuous? Don't worry, as I carry on reading I see a veritable minefield of jargon that will filter this plethora of ladies down to a small, select group - especially at the end where you decide to quote 2 whole verses from John Lennon's Imagine...

In closing, from looking out of the window and then reading that your ideal first date is "in a park on a summer's day", I Imagine we won't be going out any time soon.

Please just Let It Be,

This Girl

Hitman

"Can I take you out"

Dear Badass Mofo,

Seeing as your profile only lists very basic information I'm afraid I must decline. The only information you seem willing to give is that you're a security guard who has his own car. I presume this must be how you transport the bodies that you take out for your mafia boss? 

The intense stare and lack of smile in your profile pictures only fuels the chills I'm feeling down my spine right now. Maybe you could soften them up by holding a teddy bear or a baby?

Actually, stay away from babies...

This Girl

Jobs

"Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?"

Dear Unemployed,

I'm a Market Analyst - I analyse past trends to try and predict future behaviour. For example, I can tell you that based on the success rate of this opening line, you're going to have absolutely no luck with me.

100% sure,

This Girl

Lool

"Hi there my name is ******** I was just looking at your profile and I just thought I'd let you know how beautiful you really are where have you been all my life lool I hope to hear from you soon babe X"

Dear Looler,

That's a pretty long sentence! Did you think about using any punctuation in there or would it have ruined your romantic message? Unfortunately for you, I'm an absolute sucker for good grammar. Had you used this I would have been putty in your hands.

However, I would like to thank you for letting me know how beautiful I really am...even though you didn't actually use any imagery or even similes that compare my beauty to anything.

Take care babe,

This Girl

Salaam!

"Salaam ! 
Are you interested to know about Islam ?"

Why yes I am! Have you got any literature I could leaf through? Oh wait, THIS IS A DATING SITE.

RVP

"So I nailed my fantasy football today by making Suarez my Captain instead of RVP, because I knew Fergie would take RVP off early. . .thoughts?"

My thoughts: Why did you choose to open the conversation with a potential date with fantasy football talk? Especially when they've mentioned they like rugby and not football?

NEXT