Detective

"hello you look pretty in your pink dress and tights xx"

Dear Mr...

...WHAT THE HELL, THAT'S ACTUALLY WHAT I'M WEARING RIGHT NOW!

At first glance I thought your message was commenting on one of my pictures, but I realise as I read through it that I don't have a photo like that on the website, and in fact that's actually the outfit I'm wearing at this exact moment in time...

I know on your profile you say you want to "find a girlfriend so I can be happy", but I don't think that you should physically go out and hunt one down! Especially as you're in Canterbury and I'm in London. That is TOO FAR my friend...

Please move your attentions along to someone else immediately!

This Girl (or That Girl, or someone else completely different and incognito)

Weight

"hi. are u interested in losing few pounds ? If your answer is yes..let me know..I can help you with some casual sex..xx"

Hey there Mr Unattractively-Thin,

I must say, I'm surprised to get a message like this on a dating website...

Most people manage to find casual sex out in the real world, but from the looks of your profile picture I guess your appearance must be a bit of a barrier for you? I assume this is why online communication probably appealed to you - a chance to show off your personality, so people can get to know the real you before judging you by your appearance.

Unfortunately sending out this message will only exacerbate your problem, as your unsavoury personality isn't enticing either. How anyone could think a message like this would yield any kind of result is actually beyond me.

Go drink a protein shake, you twig.

This Girl

*********************************************
UPDATE: The twig deleted his profile after a week. Definitely needs to improve the marketing around such an attractive offer...

Check

"Hey how are you? 
I love burger abs lobster! It is definitely my favourite restaurant in London! Always go for the lobster though right? :-) I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu. 
Would you risk it for a chocolate biscuit?"



Hey there you!

This is just a quick note to congratulate you on following all the rules of a first message. Honestly mate, you should be really proud that you can read through a checklist...

Step 1. Ask her how she is. This will make her think you're emotionally sensitive and in-tune with her needs.

Step 2. Let her know you're interested in things she's also interested in. If her profile photo features her eating lobster in a bib, make a passing comment about the restaurant. Bonus points for asking a follow-up question.

Step 3. Make her laugh. Not with your personality, silly! Try telling a joke, possibly involving animals. Girls love animals.

Step 4. End with a quote/question. She will find this so irresistibly mysterious that you'll definitely find a message from her in your inbox tomorrow morning!

Step 5. Enjoy sifting through the piles of replies you receive! Have a great time humping and dumping, like the King of Ladies' Men that you are. Happy Hunting!

You've nailed it, fella! I should be asking you what time and where you want us to meet up (at your earliest convenience, obviously), but I realise I'm just one in a hundred girls who are definitely lining up to date you, and you'll never notice little old me. I should just give up, right?

Off to try some of those tasty-sounding 'burger abs' instead.

This Girl

Article: Profile Clichés

Attention ladies of the Internet! 

Apparently all the single men had a meeting to decide on the most alluring elements of an online dating profile. Unfortunately, this is all they managed to come up with...

First date: The Zoo
At least 6 out of 10 guys I come across think taking a girl to the zoo is a cute and original idea. Just a quick note - if it's an idea that Kirk from TOWIE can come up with, then you need to do better.

Also, let's be honest with ourselves here - on a first date, all we really want to do is get a few drinks down our throat (and our date's) so we can work up the courage to be ourselves around someone new, and feel like we're far more impressive than we actually are. Leave your quirky ideas for a second or third date when you feel like the relationship could actually go somewhere and you realise your personality isn't enough to keep the girl interested.

Looking for a partner in crime
Erm, no thanks - prison's not for me. But judging by the Kappa jacket and sovereign rings you're wearing in your photos, it's somewhere you'd fit in quite well. Sorry to say it, but I think it's going to be a one-man job mate!

If anyone asks, we met in the supermarket/at the park/on a bus
Ah okay, so you're ashamed to end up in a relationship with someone who admits to internet dating... Great first impression! I hate to be the one to tell you this, but YOU'RE ON A DATING WEBSITE! If this is a problem then maybe you should skulk around the supermarket/park/bus stop for real, waiting for the woman of your dreams to show up? No worries, I'm sure the lovely lady you end up with will be lowering her standards too.

Recently moved to [insert town/city name], and looking for someone to explore with
You live here now - go buy a map and explore it yourself; I'm not a tour guide! Plus this way when we eventually break up, I won't have to avoid all my favourite bars and restaurants at the risk of seeing you around every corner.

Looking for a woman I can spoil

Oh pur-lease! If you were really that rich you wouldn't be trawling the internet for women - gold-diggers are ten a penny in the real world! Any clown that says this means that if he pays for dinner on your first date, he's expecting you to return the favour in the bedroom later. Go away you disgusting little man; the only thing you're spoiling is my appetite...

This is just some of the pig swill I've read through on my quest to find one man that isn't a moron. I'll undoubtedly encounter more along the way which I'll be sure to warn you about, but I want your help - If you've read something that's made you throw up in your mouth a little bit, I'd love to hear about it! Leave me a comment or send me a tweet @datesschmates

Thanks!

This Girl